To Thank or Not to Thank

The Cultural Divide in Expressing Gratitude

Gratitude exists in every culture, but how it is expressed varies widely. In some traditions, a verbal ‘thank you’ is necessary to acknowledge kindness. In others, saying it out loud weakens the bond, making the gesture feel transactional. When these unspoken rules of gratitude collide, relationships are tested. A reflection on love, duty, and the cultural psychology of appreciation.

By Kate Xie | Published on: March 7, 2025

The Argument Over a Doorbell

The four of us sat in the car on our way to Amsterdam Southeast. I was supposed to drop Cedric off first before taking Arla to her swimming class.

Cedric sat in the back seat with Arla, refusing to talk, still fuming from our argument just minutes ago in the house—where I had apparently failed to thank him for installing the new doorbell.

Lena, in the passenger seat, was scrolling through the media panel. I told him he could put on a podcast if he wanted.

Cedric interjected. “Hey Lena, go to the control panel, go to the home screen, go to…” He gave a series of instructions to Lena on how to update the time setting in my car, since I was, as usual, too technically challenged to do it myself, even though the daylight savings switch had happened weeks ago.

I looked at him through the rearview mirror, silently acknowledging the effort, but he didn’t meet my gaze. He continued giving instructions in a measured tone.

I dropped him off near his house before heading to Arla’s swimming class. 'You still need to learn these things.' He slammed the car door with those words.

He was likely still displeased that I hadn’t thanked him (again) for helping me twice in one day—first with the doorbell, now with the car timer.

The Weight of a ‘Thank You’

As we drove on, passing the familiar rows of low-rise social housing and the occasional green field, I couldn’t help but think about the endless discussions, arguments, and long email exchanges over this topic. The act of saying thank you had divided this household for years.

In China, verbally saying 'thank you' to family and close friends feels awkward and out of place. Worse, it can sometimes signal emotional distance. It’s not something you use unless the occasion is exceptionally rare—or, more pointedly, when you want to make it clear that someone is no longer part of your inner circle. It’s a formal gesture, a polite but deliberate signal: I am treating you with courtesy, but you are an ‘out-group’ member.

In the West, thank you is delivered indiscriminately, anytime, anywhere, regardless of the relationship between speaker and recipient. Or so it seems.

The Silent Rebellion

The first time I saw the mother of my American ex-boyfriend say thank you to her own son for hosting her, my jaw nearly hit the floor.

Then there were countless times Cedric was visibly disappointed—or outright irritated—when I failed to say thank you. When he paid for a family dinner. When he fixed the lights in the hallway. When he took care of the kids while I had a fever. When he watched the kids for several days so I could fly home to attend my uncle’s funeral. When he stopped making jokes about my father as a sign of respect for my culture—where elders are to be honored, not ridiculed.

Among all these occasions, I let the words slip.

At first, out of resistance. A quiet rebellion. Aren’t you supposed to love and care for someone in sickness and in health, till death do us part? Doesn’t that include fixing the lights, stepping in when I’m sick, allowing me to attend a family funeral, and not mocking my parents?

Over time, it became a deliberate act. A quiet assertion. You know this is my culture. You know this is my value. I am protecting it.

It was never interpreted that way. Even after years of debates.

When in Rome… But Only One Way

Likewise, I was equally unmoved when he thanked me for doing his laundry, for cooking, for taking care of the kids while he was away on business trips.

“I don’t expect my boss to thank me for showing up to work. You can stop thanking me,” I would say.

The thanks kept coming regardless.

My verbal thank yous remained reserved for those at arm’s length—Dutch colleagues, friends, neighbors, Cedric’s family. People who had no knowledge of, and even less interest in, my Chinese values and customs. People who expected me to behave as if I had fully downloaded and installed Western etiquette.

When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

I was no exception.

But the reverse was never expected.

Of all the Westerners I knew and observed in Beijing, none made an effort to do as the Beijingers do.

And yet, it is accepted.

What was the logic behind that?

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