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Sphere of Control vs. Collective Duty
Sphere of Control vs. Collective Duty
Why ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy’ Feels Incomplete
Why ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy’ Feels Incomplete
Is happiness a personal choice, or is it tied to the well-being of those around us? In Western thought, setting boundaries and focusing on what we can control is seen as the key to a fulfilling life. But in collectivist cultures, responsibility extends beyond the self—caring for family, honoring obligations, and embracing shared struggles. Through a mother-son conversation, this reflection questions whether happiness is truly an individual pursuit or something deeper, shaped by the ties that bind us.
By Kate Xie | Published on: March 20, 2025
A Dream or a Message?
A Dream or a Message?
Lena came home from school, and I could barely wait to share my dream with him. “Lena, Mama dreamed about you last night!” I said, taking his backpack.
“I dreamed that you told me to stop worrying about things I can’t control.” The dream was so vivid, so real, I felt I had to share it.
Lena, looking drained and exhausted, collapsed onto the couch. Yet, to show his support, he glanced up at me and said, “Yeah, Mama, you should not worry about things you can’t control.”
The Sphere of Influence and Control
The Sphere of Influence and Control
Thrilled to have found living proof of my fortune-telling capabilities, I abandoned the unfinished lunchbox in his backpack and rushed to the couch. “You mean it?! So my dream was REAL?! That’s really how you feel?!” I exclaimed, sitting beside him, eager for confirmation.
Unimpressed by my so-called supernatural powers, Lena suddenly sprang up with enthusiasm. “Mama, I want to show you something!” He grabbed the tablet from the coffee table.
He pulled up a YouTube clip about the “Sphere of Influence and Control.”
“Mama, we learned this at school today. Maybe you can get something from this too.” He pressed play. A five-minute animation unfolded, explaining the framework in hand-drawn sketches.
The video ended with the narrator declaring, “If you can be mindful of this, you will have a higher chance of leading a happy and fulfilling life.”
It struck me that this is the ultimate goal of Western ideology.
Be happy. Don’t worry.
The Limits of This Framework
The Limits of This Framework
“Lena, thanks for showing this to me,” I said. “It really gives me a glimpse into your everyday life at school.”
But something felt incomplete. I continued, “In China, this framework might not work. In fact, it might seem limited and narrow-minded. If we only focus on what we can control and let go of what we can’t, doesn’t that mean we stop caring about others? Take your grandparents, for example. Their health is beyond our control, but does that mean we should just put it out of our minds?”
Lena nodded, half convinced. Most of his life, he had been immersed in a culture that promotes personal happiness and individual freedom. He had little exposure to the ideas of collective survival and group unity.
A Culture of Sacrifice and Responsibility
A Culture of Sacrifice and Responsibility
I continued, “I know that in the Netherlands, it’s important to set boundaries and leave things to the responsibility of others. But in the East, that’s seen as failing your obligations to the group.”
“Yeah, I know, Mama.” Lena looked at me, his eyes shining with understanding. I knew he would understand. He was the one who dragged himself to the playground with a fever just because his little sister wanted to go. He made sacrifices that felt right to him.
The Lonely Choice of Individualism
The Lonely Choice of Individualism
I hugged him tightly before standing up to finish unloading his backpack.
As I sorted through his things, my mind drifted back to the early days of my extended burnout leave. My colleagues and supervisor had told me, “You need to set your boundaries,” even as they resisted offering support.
I wonder if someone from an individualist culture will ever recognize that, in a collectivist society, the idea that happiness comes from setting boundaries is fundamentally flawed. Success isn’t measured by fleeting personal highs but by the well-being of the entire family and community. Fulfillment isn’t about individual happiness—it’s about loyalty, reciprocity, stability, and lasting connections.
Building walls to protect emotional independence and cutting off social obligations isn’t the only way to live. It’s just the one chosen by a selective few.
And to a collectivist like me, it feels like a rather lonely choice.
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